Blaine,
by couragebaby36
Summary: A letter from Kurt, expressing hurt feeling and memories. Angst. May have overdone Kurt's reaction, please excuse this. Review if you want.


Blaine,

What can I say? It's been a month since I caught you with that dreadful excuse for a human being. I hardly have the strength for anything anymore. I can barely stand up, let alone write this letter. I know it's going to be long, so please just do this one final thing for me and read all of it.

Do you remember that day when I visited Dalton to spy on the Warblers? That day when I first met you and my heart skipped a beat when you held my hand. That day you changed my life around. I never thought I would ever find someone like you and just then, when I needed you the most, you showed up in my world. You made my life good, great, fantastic. I was smitten when you sang 'Teenage Dream'. I always had a thing for your singing voice. And you were there for me, supported and encouraged me when I told you about my bullying issues. You texted me that week. A few times. Only one special word that I made ours: Courage. You stood up to the bullies with me. You took me for lunch. Yes, I remember. You were the first person like me who was brave.

We went on 'dates' except, not actual dating dates; we were just getting to know each other. We found out our interests were often the same or similar. Do you remember that day we took Mercedes to Breadstix? I was so caught up in you to even notice her. You were talking about football. I remember.

Then I transferred to Dalton. I was so happy to be spending time with you. You were my mentor and best friend.

You helped me adjust to the new way of life. I had been questioning myself, feeling downtrodden and you told me I was going to be all right and that it would work out. And it did.

I was in love with you. You came to me for help at Christmas...you needed to practice singing 'Baby It's Cold Outside'. I remember. I was enchanted by you.

I was in such high spirits when you implied there was someone you loved, thinking it was me. I was stupid. Do you know I drew a heart in my diary with our names in it? Childish, I know. But you cared enough about me to notice my coffee order and take my interests into account.

I learned you liked someone else and was absolutely devastated. I knew it would be so hurtful if I weren't there for you after everything you had done for me and you wouldn't understand why I wasn't. So I went to help you serenade him, even though the thought of you with someone else had me doubled over with pain. You called it a quirky thing...'The Warblers Gap Attack'. I remember. I half lived for the wacky things that came out of your mouth sometimes. And it didn't work out with him. I tried my best not to be happy about it for your sake, you had just been rejected, but I couldn't help it. You would recover from the shock, I knew you would.

We compared our situation to 'When Harry Met Sally'. I was Meg Ryan and you were Billy Crystal. I remember.

Life went on and Regionals drew nearer. I began to think you wouldn't ever think of me the way I thought of you. Especially when you were questioning your sexuality after that ridiculous thing with Rachel. But I should still have supported you; no matter how much stress it caused me. My stomach did a flip when you told Rachel you were 100% gay. I remember.

I was bitter. And you seemed to get everything, the solos, the grades, and the looks. I wasn't angry, just tired. And perfectly on time, my sweet Prince, Pavarotti, died. I requested to sing in his honor and Wes and David didn't object. From then on you started to see me differently...you wanted to sing a duet at Regionals. With me. I couldn't believe my ears but I would not let myself raise my hopes over a song that would probably mean nothing to you.

You chose a song that would compliment our voices perfectly...it was the opposite of your usual Top 40 songs. It was 'Candles' by Hey Monday. I remember. And then you held my hand in yours... Handholding was always so special with you. You delivered the most beautiful, romantic, cheesy speech to me. I was stunned and touched. Did you really love me after all? Butterflies erupted in my stomach when you leaned forward to capture me in a kiss. My first real kiss. It was perfection, the light pressure your hand applied to my shoulder, your caution with the movement of your lips. I remember they tasted like mint...you had been planning ahead. Every kiss afterwards was new and different and magical, no matter how many times we had done it before.

That week was one of the happiest of my life. I'll never forget it.

Soon you let me in on your secrets... about how unsupportive your parents had been of your sexuality, how you had been bullied in the past. You cried in my arms as I rubbed circles in your lower back as comfort. I just held you. I remember.

I transferred back to McKinley and you sang to me as a symbol of love and parting. 'Somewhere Only We Know'.

I ask you to Prom with me. You were hesitant but came because it meant so much to me. You had been through it before and it wasn't a huge sucess. I didn't want you to go through all the pain again but I was stupid. You sang 'I'm Not Going to Teach Your Boyfriend How to Dance With You' and added in your lovable dancing.

This time it was my turn. I was humiliated to be nominated Prom Queen. But you followed me, you called my name. You made my name sound like an apology, something you were extremely fond of, a way of saying 'I love you', an expression and a warning all in one.

You were there for me again. You danced with me. You turned my Prom into a night I wouldn't ever forget.

You listened when I told you everything about our trip to New York. You just listened and that meant the world to me. That was the first time you ever said you loved me. I was caught off guard and so touched, once again. You had a way of surprising me like that.

After summer you transferred to McKinley too. I was afraid of how it might affect our relationship. You meant everything to me and couldn't stand to lose you. You explained that you 'couldn't stand to be apart from the person you loved'. Then you sang 'It's Not Unusual' in the courtyard. I remember.

You joined booty camp with me and we discussed audition songs for 'West Side Story'. It was selfish of me not to let you shine like you wanted to. I couldn't bear it and I knew you were sacrificing it for me. You would have been so upset if you didn't at least get a chance to audition. I apologized and presented you with flowers. I remember the look on your face and the words you spoke. 'You always zig when I think you're about to zag and I just love that about you.'

One afternoon I drove to your house where we talked in your bedroom about Glee Club, school, Rachel and Finn and basically everything else we wanted to talk about. I lay on your bed, watching you dance. You could always dance better than I could but you had this…style of dancing. It was awkward and very cute. You said something adorable about Roxy music and time machines. I loved you with all my heart. Later you wanted to take me home, just to spend those few extra minutes with me. We sang in the car, as we always did and figured out a pattern of sharing 'Perfect' by Pink so we both got parts. I really meant every word I sang to you. You were perfect.

Then you met him. Sebastian. No doubt you found him charming and handsome but I hated him with a passion. I saw through his disguise. I discovered you having coffee with him in our coffee shop. No doubt you go there with him now. 'The Lima Bean'.

You let him get you drunk and you danced with him all night at that wretched gay bar. You wanted to have sex with me but I knew it wouldn't be enjoyable at all. That was the first sign of you not caring what it meant to me.

You apologized to me in the auditorium at McKinley after your spectacular performance of 'West Side Story'. You gave me another romantic speech that made me fall for you all over again. That was the night we first made love. It was just the way our first kiss was...perfect, gentle, cautious, sweet. Of course, it was slightly awkward at first but I didn't mind because I knew I was with you, the true love of my life. You wouldn't judge me.

A few weeks later Rachel ruined our plans of NYADA. I was so annoyed at her but I knew she had good intentions. Yes, it was selfish of her and it didn't let her off the hook, but I didn't have the energy to be mad. You held me and promised we would work something out. I trusted and believed you.

We were at The Lima Bean and the evil force that stole you from me showed his stupid, smirking face. You probably love him the way I thought you loved me and you probably resent me for calling him names, but as my one final favor from you, please continue reading.

Anyway, when you went to get a coffee I told him I didn't like him; he said the same to me. He predicted that by the end of the year he would have you and a Nationals trophy. I seriously considered using violence. You returned and he left.

Sam came back to Glee and you joined in the ridiculous song 'Red Solo Cup' with the other crazy nuts in the room. It was adorable.  
>Later your ideas were shot down; almost how mine were when I first joined the Warblers. I knew what it felt like. I also knew you and you needed some time to yourself to cool down. I gave it to you. You were pissed at Sam and Finn.<p>

You were the most amazing, beautiful, compassionate, courageous, loving, perfect, adorable (I know I've used those words a lot, but they're the ones that sum up the way I thought of you), sexy, trustworthy, talented (next to Rachel, who I hate to bring into this), lovable person I had ever met in my life. You were my soul mate. My world revolved around you and Glee. You were my best friend. I gave you everything I had; my heart, my soul, my time, my secrets, my emotions, my virginity, my first kiss, my trust. I hoped to get that from you in return. I got some of your secrets, your emotions, your virginity, your first kiss, your time but I didn't get your heart or soul. Instead I received your trickery. I'm more than merely heart-broken, Blaine. I am broken. I won't just 'get over it'. It will take me an eternity to recover from just the shock of not having you as mine anymore.

I can't sleep. When I can I have nightmares or dreams and they all involve you. I can't eat. When I do it's like the taste has been muted and my jaw refuses to work. I only drink when I know I have to. My skin is going to get dry since I sleep longer in the mornings and have no time for skin-moisturizing anymore. I can't concentrate on school. My grades are slipping. I can't talk to Mercedes or Rachel or Finn anymore, I'm locking them out of my life, unintentionally. My body feels three times heavier than usual and yet, I'm hardly eating. I get sick from fatigue and starvation. I'm physically and emotionally dying. I've been drained of energy. I cry every day. I can't seem to smile or be happy anymore. I just can't get it back. You're on my mind 24/7. In Glee, I can't look at you or I'll have a breakdown. I'm not fighting for solos anymore. If you try to talk to me I ignore you or snap at you.

This letter has taken me hours to write and it has been extremely painful to recall everything we've been through and write it down on paper. But I do remember everything. I remember because everything meant everything to me. The songs, the looks, the touches, the laughs, and the dances…every moment spent with you meant something to me. The first touch we every shared and the last.

The sad thing is that I believed everything you told me, even though it was all a lie. If it weren't a lie you wouldn't have left me. I'll never find someone like the you you pretended to be.

You created a whole new life for me and then you pulled it down in ten seconds.

Just to let you know,

Kurt


End file.
